Nothing to Say

Or... there's a lot to say; but no words.

The Avalanche Falls

I hate to complain, it's not why I write a blog; so I'm hoping this doesn't sound like a lot of whining.  I'm frighteningly overwhelmed.  I have a class that requires about three hours of home work a night, and children who require attention right up to their newly adjusted bed summer bed time.  The math work I am doing isn't beyond me, in fact, for the first time ever it's something I feel I can do with full confidence, but it still takes doing and despite my best efforts, I have a tough time sitting down and making much headway while the children are awake.

I feel as though I were falling underneath an avalanche as I struggle to keep up with home work and try to find time to get around to house work.  Tomorrow is my first big math test in this class; I'm not worried about the problems, I'm worried about misreading the problems.  So far in the homework I'm gliding through everything, the only time I get something wrong is when I let my concentration wane.

I've mentioned before how much I'm enjoying learning new things, I'm stunned by everything I haven't learned before that is new to me.  But one of the most amazing and fun parts of my class is the instructor.  He wants to keep the class engaged, but his voice, and his mannerisms, and his appearance work together to distract me as I swear I've seen him before.  In every way he seems to be this guy (picture below) Grant Wilson, the ghost hunter.

As I pass out for the night, I hope to do amazing in my test tomorrow; cursing my inability to keep up with everything as the house is a mess and the homework not yet completed... but at least the children are finally in bed and fed.

A Boy and his Math

Another day comes and goes, I spent today waking through a fog placed somewhere between dreaming and being awake.  I realized first thing, that I needed more sleep, one of the most sure signs of this is when you try to negotiate with the snooze button.  The bargaining phase of waking up in the morning.  I looked at the clock, I knew I had about twenty minutes to get ready and leave, and I told myself "Maybe I can do it in ten."  I knew I could barely do it in twenty, but I had to negotiate with myself just to get out of bed.

I'm disappointed in either my education, or my memory; and perhaps a little of both.  In class today we learned about "The Rules of Division" which, once learned, can teach you how to recognize that a number is divided by other numbers... this is a grain of knowledge that would have made me almost appreciate math over the last ten years.  For example, Rule #3 states that if the number, added together is a multiple of 3, then it can be divided by three; for instance: 123 can be divided by three, because 1+2+3 = 6 and six is a multiple of 3.  I feel sheepish that it took me so long to learn something like that, and I once again pat myself on the back for taking this most basic of Math courses, because I would have gone the rest of my life struggling with division.

I had another day with my new trainer today; of all the trainers I've had so far, he's my favorite.  Perhaps my curse wasn't as much of a curse as a blessing.  I don't mind going through so many decent trainers to find someone I really click with.  He knows about how to work out towards a goal and already I can tell that I'm more directed towards that goal than I ever have been.  He spent almost as much time in the Air Force as I did, and he has the same method and plan for going back.  It's refreshing to find someone who seems, at least so far, to be on the same level as I am.  I found myself after my work out, with a profound sense of accomplishment and fatigue.

Evening Dream

I stand in a sea of darkness, surrounded by an absence of everything. The black void penetrates my eyes, my ears, and looking above or below yields absolutely no sensation. Even the air is without flavor or depth. This is how it begins; in the nothing. I stand, empty, my eyes close and I expect the last ounce of awareness to pass from me, but instead of oblivion I catch a hint of vanilla, subtle and sweet as a fine perfume, gentle and seductive… all other sensations being absent I let my nose worship the scent, it fills my mind, captures all thought, and brings a curious smile to my lips.

I realize that from the nothing I am being rebuilt, my hands stretch to either side of me, bathed in the realization that the candy scent was a start, I lean my head back and can now hear noises all around me, the droll hum of too many conversations, a soft piano echoing with elevated grandeur somewhere in the distance accompanied by a much more humble but still acoustically gifted chamber orchestra, the strings echoing harmoniously through the din. A doorway somewhere opens, the slow adjusting weight of a magnificent door announcing itself in with a creak that would be, at any other time, completely lost in the jumble of sound.

I smile despite myself, losing the absence of everything as the world builds itself further, I hesitate and squint my eyes towards a light that wasn’t there before, the predominant colors of the room are a rich red framed by luxurious gold, I stand in an extended foyer of a master ballroom, to my right an ancient series of wooden doorways framed by columns that give the impression of wealth and age, in front of me the foyer leads to a glass wall darkened by the night but framing a masterpiece of a city, bathed in the lights that would never sleep, and to my left the foyer ends and as the ground falls away slowly with a layer of steps so long it seems more like terraced flooring than a path down to the magnificent marble floored dance floor.

Movement doesn’t come naturally; I continue to stand bathed in that sweetly intoxicating scent, staring at a room too luxurious for words as I reach and subconsciously adjust a bow tie that I didn’t know was there only moments before. I turn to my left and see my reflection in a conveniently placed mirror. My eyes glow a vibrant blue as though capturing the light in the room and reflecting it back two fold. I grin, the tuxedo fits me properly, snug enough to outline my form, but flexible enough to move in any dance of my choice, I am amused by the light reflective grey tie and cummerbund. My breath is taken away as I realize standing beside me in the mirror is the image of wonderment herself with a luxurious grey dress that I match to perfectly; her hand reaches shyly towards my arm and I feel the weight of her nervous grip. My smile is stifling and I lose myself in the moment.

The air tastes of cinnamon, my tongue tingles with the sensation as I move confidently towards the stairs, I smile at the beauty on my arm, hoping she can feel as at home here as I do; the stylish formality fitting like a favorite glove. I walk with confidence and strength, my arm bent just so as my fist rests on near my middle, her fingers tight on my arm. We walk slowly, bathing in the light of the oversized chandelier my left hand moves to her right, and we move gracefully onto the floor with the music that begins as though they had waited just for us; the steady waltz begins, the polished marble floor glistens as the music takes us away.

The evening plays like the mist of an unreal memory too short as one dance leads into another, and we move across the floor and through time as though floating on pedestal of clouds dipped in magic and sprinkled with dreams.

The Stuff Dreams are Made of

Tonight as I made a comment about licking someones ear, my mind was taken back to a simpler time.  It occurred to me that there was one movie that introduced me to that concept, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to share that experience with my children.

The Last Starfighter, a movie about a boy who plays a video game that is secretly a recruiting device for an alien army.  It's a brilliant movie that played a key part of my life.  I've introspectively looked at myself, and my siblings and I think I will blame any of the lost years to video games on our own personal quests to achieve that recruitment score.

My oldest (8) watched with avid curiosity, afterward surfing the internet for pictures of space craft to help give him ideas on what his would look like.  My second oldest (6) watching the movie and anticipating what comes next "I think he's an alien!  I think he's an alien!  I KNEW IT!!!!"

I had so much fun watching this movie with the children, and now to pick something equally obscure but vital to their growing up experience.

The Fountain of Knowledge - Math (Lattice Multiplication, Wow!!!)

Sitting in the classroom reviewing the important of times tables I was beginning to wonder what the point of it all was.  Most of what we've talked about so far is something I already knew.  Perhaps this journey, this class, was a mistake.  Then it comes, like a bolt of lightning, a new way of viewing old problems that not only made them easier, but actually (dare I say it?) fun!

Lattice multiplication is a term I've never heard before.  It's hard to describe as well as this video... simply try it, it'll change your multiplication universe!!!

Mangled Poetry - Summer

Sometimes I like to mangle a poem to death; by which I mean I will take a thought and put it to poetry and quality doesn't matter.

The dawn of summer morn evaporates dreams as it creeps across the floor,
The movement of light takes away the cloak of darkness that shielded the growing mess,
From a crack in the blinds the light creates a ramp that stretches through the air,
From my place of solitude I wish that I could take that path and see what things are there,
The weight of day weighs on me, making the darkness seem light as a feather.
A sigh speaks more than words ever can as I pull at the blankets and fall into a restless oblivion.

This video is one of my inspirations.