Happy a Valentine’s Day!!
Honestky I’ve gone through the day going through the motions. It’s a happy day. The children and I laughed and played but I never took the time to care or actually conceptualists what kind of day it is. All across Instagram I watch as mothers celebrate their love for their kids by decorating the doors, setting up colorful balloon booby traps that practically scream ‘you’re important!’ While I took the kids to the door the other day, pointed to the candy aisle, and said “go pick your favorite!” It’s not the same and on other years I went further out of my way, but this year I felt none of the drive and perhaps they didn’t actually care. I don’t think they preferred a candy bar bouquet to a simple bag of their choice.
It makes me wonder though … they may not care much, but when it is their time to serve their children will they celebrate as offhandedly and simply throw the child down the candy aisle? What level of responsibility do I have to show the girls how to make the world a special and decorated place? How much more can I push the limits of failing at the little things as a parent? I admit I don’t fail at the big things, but these finishing touches may leave a few rough edges I simply can’t reach on my own.
A Hallmark holiday that simply means, to us, that the strawberries are going to be the freshest they’ll be all year round in the grocery store. And for that we celebrate.
Even though I have a nightly routine, no night is routine.
We take our time to talk individually about what is on our minds, what challenges we face, and where we can do better, and where we can do worse. It’s not easy, so we do it together despite having to do it all alone.
But there are nights like tonight where I feel drowned. Some nights I just feel too much. It’s been a long day, some days are like that. But it’s been an emotional day too. I hate to see my children sick, and today my youngest has had a fever that exhausts her little body. We’ve cuddled and napped, feeling the pain of fever contort the muscles in my back I’ve held her as we watched tv. Getting nothing done as I focus on being where I need to be.
The scales aren’t balanced or fair though. The middle children feel jealous of that singular attention even knowing why and agreeing with it, there’s still that primal feeling of being left behind, which I work on. We discuss and we all cuddle a little before bed, but I worry to think which one might be the next sick and hurting one.
This is where my mind is as I think of being alone, the children asleep and my heart exhaustsed. I think of how I’d like to soak in the tub but don’t have the energy to turn on the water. Laying like a discarded blanket across the foot of my bed as my daughter burns through the sheets. Sleep tramples across the night and I drift away like a lonely guard on night watch.
I felt the pillow hit my head.
“YES!” The voice in my mind exclaimed. I don’t take sleeping medicine. But I did tonight. I lay in bed thinking “I’ll finally get the sleep my body wants, silly body.” And oblivion overlapped and encapsulated me. Then I rolled to the left… and rolled to the right. Then slept on the floor, then the couch, then the bottom of the bed, and then across the bed sideways.
Somewhere during that long night one of the kids crawled into bed. My sleeping space became limited, but I didn’t mind. Maybe cuddling would help. It did. I slept an eternity, then rolled to the other side of the bed, then slept on the floor. Finally I thought “You know… if sleep is going to elude me, perhaps I’ll get up, shave and do a little work before the day begins.”
I got up, I shaved. I thought “This sleep medicine has me groggy, I shouldn’t have done that.” Then I looked at the clock:
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I thought… and am still thinking it. C’mon sleep… really??