How to Slay a Dragon – A Knights Perspective

Slaying a dragon, not just anyone can do it; but the rules of dragon slaying apply to so many other things in life.  The first thing to remember is that Dragons are not dumb animals that can be fought the same as a troll or an orc, dragons are graceful creatures of incredible age and intelligence who will judge your every action four to five times before they decide on a course of action.  There are many colors of dragons, and they all guard their own special kind of treasure, but in general one is no different from another.

Keep in mind the following when facing a dragon:

  • Be Prepared
  •  Look Amazing
  •  Have Confidence
  •  Be Flexible
  •  Watch out for Fire
  •  Don’t get Distracted
  •  Be Honest
  •  Have an Escape Plan

Be prepared, nothing is more embarrassing than coming up to face a dragon only to find that you left your dragons slaying sword of virtue at home, or on your other horse.  It’s important to make sure you’re clean and well groomed.  You don’t want the dragon to smell you coming.  It’s not important how dirty you are when you leave, it’s a sign of respect to show up well dressed in polished armor, and ready to battle.  If you make the dragon wait before you get started you’ll simply irritate him (or her) and you don’t want to start the fight off on the wrong foot.

Look amazing, dragons, as everyone knows, are creatures of impeccable taste and with their quick whit and tendency to judge by appearances it is vital that you arrive with this advantage on your side.  If you’re ugly, I’m not saying “you cannot slay a dragon” I’m simply saying, try to beautify yourself as much as you can before the fight.  Pluck an eyebrow or two, trim them if they’re out of hand, cut your hair if you plan on taking off your helmet.  Get a facial.  Getting a good nights sleep might help reduce the lines around your eyes, but if you have some lotion or elixir for lines, use that, don’t be afraid to look your best.  Also, if you win, you want to be able to strike a heroic pose without worrying if you have broccoli in your teeth, or you’ll want to make the prettiest corpse possible if things go badly.

Have confidence, if you’re prepared and look amazing, confidence will come pretty easily.  Be confident, a dragon looks for chinks in your armor, if you show that you’re not sure that you can win, he’ll be sure to exploit that and help you lose in any way that he can.  Remember that this is often a fight to the death, and just that you’re there means you’re capable of living through it.

Be flexible, you’re going to spend a lot of time thinking on your feet.  No matter how many times you’ve practiced in front of the mirror, you’re going to find that the real thing is much different.  You’re going to have to duck and dodge, you might find obstacles that you’ve never dreamed of.  There is always the possibility of a beautiful maiden being tied to a sacrifice pole, your greatest strength is that you can roll with the punches.

Watch out for fire, this goes without saying; you never know what a dragon can do until he does it, but one things most dragons do is wait till your guard is down and shoot a jet of flame, or ice, or mist, or acid at you.  Even if you don’t love using a shield have one ready and don’t be afraid to hide behind things.  Less literally, watch out for taking things personally, the dragon doesn’t ‘really’ know you, and anything he says shouldn’t hurt your feelings.

Don’t get distracted, another commonly known fact about dragons is that they are masters of conversation, wit, and prose.  When facing off with the dragon don’t let him dominate the conversation if you do he’ll start to make you question yourself, he’ll distract you, and among his riddles and questions you’ll get confused.  The best tactic for this is to have a few riddles and questions of your own to ask the dragon.  One funny thing about dragons, they will answer your questions, they consider it rude to do otherwise, but you will also be expected to answer their questions.  Dumb knights don’t live to tell many tales of this.

Be honest, your Mother always told you to tell the truth, not only is this a good habit, but it’s very polite.  Dragons are animals of impeccable taste, they have generally been alive centuries longer than you, and they know when you are telling them something that is untrue.  It is difficult to play poker with a dragon, but even more difficult to lie to one.  If you ask a riddle with no answer, he will know, and you will be embarrassed for having been caught in a lie.  If he asks you a question and you answer with a blatant untruth, you will again be embarrassed.  Another important part of being honest is that you will learn a lot about yourself when faced with such a noble adversary.  The biggest reason to not tell a lie to a dragon is that once it catches you in a lie, it becomes insulted, and once you’ve insulted a dragon it becomes enraged, and once a dragon becomes enraged there is really no chance of your survival, and if there is a village or town within a hundred miles he will use the rest of his rage there.  Entire regions have been destroyed by the liars of the world.  It became so bad that now a persons integrity is checked by the  worlds order of blacksmiths before you will be sold a dragon slaying blade.

Have an escape plan, expect success, but plan for failure.  Every good plan has an escape built into it.  Otherwise it’s not a good plan.  Sometimes you’ve caught the dragon on a bad day, or you lose the upper hand immediately, or you fall off your horse and break a leg.  It’s important to have an escape plan sot hat you might try the sport another day.  A fair fight with a dragon is a magnificent challenge… a fight where you start off with a handicap has only one ending that doesn’t include escaping.  And as refined as a dragon’s taste is, there is no limit to the imagination on what kind of gourmet dish he might make of you.

What to bring:

Dragon Slaying Weapon- Obtained from a certified “worlds order of  blacksmiths” blacksmith, ask to see his license.  (A dragon’s scales are nearly impenetrable, if you come with any other weapon the battle is lost)

Armor – Flame resistant is best, but ensure you can move about freely.

Sense of Humor – Some dragons tell jokes, and if you’re going to die, go out with a smile.

A Horse – Not your BEST horse, because dragons often eat the animal, even if you survive, the animal might not.  (I’ve heard you can coat them in some nasty things and the dragons won’t go after them, but then you have a nasty smelling horse.)

Patience – A fight with a dragon isn’t something you do because you have a couple hours unfilled, plan on being there all day, or all weekend.

A variety of clever stories and riddles.

I wish you luck in your dragon hunt.

—————-

I had another job interview today, it went well enough… I’d call it “definitely average” which isnt to say I lost, but it isn’t to say I won either.  I’ve felt amazing about job interviews and had no success, and I’ve felt pretty crummy about some job interviews and go the job… so average is fine.  Besides, I have other plans that make this interview less important. (Which probably means I’ll get it. “Oh sweet irony, thy kiss is awkward and dry.)

 

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5 Responses to How to Slay a Dragon – A Knights Perspective

  1. Omama says:

    What a fantastic post. I think you hit the modern version of 'Dragon Slaying'
    right on the proverbial head.

  2. steve says:

    Words of wisdom to help a knight slay any dragon that may come along. I've shared this with a lot of dear friends. Thank you much.

  3. Anonymous says:

    This would make an incredible children's book! And a fabulous graduation present to high school and college grads!

  4. Jason says:

    Awesome post 🙂

    Moral of the story: Don’t eat broccoli. It’ll get stuck in your teeth.

  5. Pingback: Regarding Elves | Something Undone

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